Protecting Children From Conflict & Self-Blame

I was watching a movie the other night, (Future Weather) in which a 13-year-old girl came home from school and found a note from her mother saying, “I went to California.  I left $50 in the drawer for you, for groceries.” 

The girl lived in the house for a few days by herself, until her grandmother discovered her living alone, so she moved to her grandmother’s home.

Later in the film, she and her grandmother were bickering, and the grandmother said, “You know your mother wanted to get an abortion.  Yup, she wanted to get rid of you, and I said to her, ‘over my dead body.’  Serves me right, now I’m stuck with you.  What goes around comes around.”

This is one of the most horrible things I have ever heard someone say to a child!  This child will never forget that statement, and never be rid of the feeling that she is the cause of all of the troubles of the adults in her life, she is the reason that her mother left to go to California.

I thought about my clients, who work so hard to protect their children from the conflicts between them, and who want their children to come through the divorce with as few scars as possible.  I thought about the Child’s Bill of Rights, which I put into every agreement: 

a.   The right not to be asked to “choose sides” between the Parents.

b.  The right not to be told the details of fights between the Parents.

c.  The right not to be told “bad things” about the other Parent’s personality or character.

d.  The right to privacy when communicating with either Parent.

e.  The right not to be cross-examined by one Parent after spending time with the other Parent.

f.  The right not to be a messenger from one Parent to the other.

g.  The right not to be asked by one Parent to tell the other Parent untruths.

h.  The right not to be used as a confidant regarding the difficult issues between the Parents.

i.  The right to express feelings, whatever those feelings may be, or to choose not to express certain feelings.

j.  The right not to be made to feel guilty for loving both Parents, or for developing a loving relationship with a new partner of either Parent.

Many of the parents I see are distraught over the pain their children will suffer, as a result of the divorce but – boy, it could always be worse.

(PS – the film did end on a higher note, with some hope.)