I was called in for a court-ordered mediation for a
post-divorce couple, about to have a trial.
Mother requested a custody change.
This couple are very wealthy – a walking advertisement for
the idea that having a lot of money is a disadvantage when you’re getting
divorced. (Because you can get sucked
into litigation.)
They have been embroiled in litigation for 7 years, and have
spent more than $500,000 in legal fees.
How could this happen?
Here’s what I see:
1.
Each has a feeling of entitlement – maybe a bit
spoiled. “This offer is not perfect, so
I won’t take it.”
2.
Unrealistic experience of life? Is anything perfect? Do they feel – ‘my life isn’t perfect, but
it’s supposed to be?’
3.
Attorneys who see role as to fight – rather than
to counsel. “If there is an argument to
be made then it’s my job to make it.”
4.
Parents who have little self-reflection or
insight -
5.
Always looking outside themselves for the
solution – “I have this problem, and you need to solve it.” Passivity.
6.
Part of the passivity is – not answering any
questions themselves – constantly looking to attorneys to tell them what to
do. They have delegated authority for
their lives to their attorneys.
The mediation was actually immensely successful. During the weeks that we were working
together, for the first time in 7 years, the couple celebrated a holiday with
the children, peacefully and joyfully – they were able to sit in the room together.
Sitting down together, asking them what they are thinking
and feeling, and brainstorming about goals are really different ways to
approach the family situation (apparently) as contrasted what the attorneys
have done with them for the last 7 years.
We were able to resolve almost all of the outstanding issues between
them.
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